Liar, Liar
by DangerRosa
Summary: Sasuke was never good at lying to himself. Sure, he hated the guy at first. What's not to hate about someone who crashes your apartment and eats all your food? But despite what he tells himself, somewhere it became a lie to say that he hated Naruto Uzumaki. [AU.] [SasuNaru]


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Liar, Liar  
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If there was one thing Sasuke hated, it was lawyers. His father was one. His mother was one. His brother was one. His aunts and uncles were lawyers. His grandparents were lawyers. He had some third-fourth-or-whatever cousin who was some degree of removed who was a lawyer. He was pretty sure that if he ever traced his ancestry back to the days of Adam and Eve, he'd find that the first Uchiha had been the first lawyer, and used his power to make the first will in which was stated that every descendent of his be a lawyer or forever abandon the Uchiha name.

He had a cousin. Not a third or forth cousin who was removed to some degree. Just a cousin. She was a doctor.

His family hated her.

So she moved to Brazil and never wrote home. Which was good, he supposed, but still left him with a family of lawyers.

And so that was why he was studying to become a lawyer, too. He didn't have any stories about how when he was twelve years old, he helped put a murderer in jail and was inspired to live his life handing out justice. He didn't have any kind of grudge against someone who he wanted to destroy in court. He didn't fear disappointing his parents and leading a life that would give them shame.

No, he just didn't want to have to move to Brazil.

His parents had given a sniff of approval when they heard he'd gotten into the law school of their choice (which was the equivalent of normal parents running over to the neighbor's house to pound on the door and loudly and proudly shriek about their child's accomplishments), and all he had to do was finish the last few weeks of this semester and he'd be off to study at said law school.

Those few weeks would prove hard to get through, as it turned out.

It all started as unceremoniously as possible. Sasuke awoke at 7 am as he did every day, used his fist to beat his alarm clock as passionately as Shakespeare penned poetry, and dozed until nearly 8. Then, he grudgingly crawled from bed and staggered to the kitchen. He staggered because his blood pressure was always low when he woke up and he was too busy (read: goddamn lazy) to do any kind of morning stretches and get his blood flowing better when he could be using that time to get a few more minutes' sleep. So stagger he did, and he did it every morning, too.

It was when he reached the kitchen that his life took that horrid turn he never thought it would.

"What the fuck."

There was someone sitting at the kitchen table, and that person was most assuredly _not_ Sakura. The someone sitting at the table was a dude for one thing, and last he'd seen, Sakura was a feminist who had pink hair that was out of this world and was assuredly female. So unless the dude was a magician, chances were he was an intruder. Actually, he might've been an assassin with the way the sun was coming in through the window, his blond hair _glowing_ and _stabbing_ Sasuke in the _eyes_.

"Hi, I'm Naruto," the glowing stranger chirped, shoving a spoonful of cereal into his mouth, like he thought they were going to have some happy morning _how'd'y'do's_.

Sasuke did not have time for this bullshit. What Sasuke _did_ have was a presentation in an hour and twelve minutes in his Patent Litigation class, and his professor had proudly announced that a whopping six students had passed the last one.

That number would've been impressive if his Patent Litigation class had a student body population that was in the single digits, but life is not so kind and over twenty of the thirty students failed said presentation, many of whom dropped out and ran off, leaving a stream of tears in their wake. But Sasuke was made of tougher stuff and decided that if he could ace one presentation, he could ace 'em all—a theory he was now sorely regretting because there was no way he could even hope to face so much as brushing his hair if he didn't get to eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles first, and—oh _yeah_ , there was this blond fucker who was sitting in _his_ goddamn chair at _his_ goddamn table and was eating a bowl of _his_ goddamn cereal, going so far as to finish off the box of _his_ goddamn Fruity Pebbles with the last dash of _his_ goddamn milk.

The fucker was even using his favorite bowl and spoon.

Sasuke was glaring at said spoon as it dipped into his bowl, retrieved more of his cereal and milk, and returned to the blond fucker's mouth. The blond fucker—Naruto, _whoever_ the hell he was—was apparently ignorant of Sasuke's upcoming wrath. "You're Sasuke, right? Heard a lot about you."

"What are you eating."

His voice was so flat it wasn't even a question.

Naruto looked down at his rainbow breakfast, still chewing loudly. "Fruity Kibbles. They're okay, I guess. Usually I have Cinnamon Toast Crunch, though."

"They're _okay_ —?" Sasuke decided he wasn't going to have to worry about low blood pressure anymore that morning, even if he didn't eat. His blood was already racing through his veins, and he could _feel_ the pulse in his forehead.

He lowered his head to hide in his hand and pinched the bridge of his nose. Several moments passed, and Naruto slurped and crunched his way through more of Sasuke's Fruity—

"What did you say you were eating?" He raised his head long enough for an answer.

"Fruity Kibbles."

"Pebbles," he automatically corrected. "They're not called Fruity Kibbles. They're called Fruit Peb— Why are you here?"

"They turned off my electricity." Naruto slammed Sasuke's favorite spoon—he knew it was his favorite because of the decal on the handle—to the table and started gulping down the leftover milk.

"Be _careful_ with that," he snapped. "Who the hell let you in?"

Naruto looked over at Sasuke, and the sunlight spread across his golden hair and—

Sasuke squinted and hurriedly made his way to the window to yank the curtains closed because he wanted to look his intruder in the eye and not have his eyes melt in his skull.

It was 7 in the fucking morning (okay, maybe almost 8). It was too early for this shit.

"Sakura," Naruto answered.

That bitch. He offered kindness to the girl—let her crash in his extra bedroom until she found a new place to stay after she found herself in a bind—and this was how she repaid him.

"Why?" Sasuke snarled.

"Told you. They turned off my electricity."

Sasuke closed his eyes and drummed his fingers on the countertop. Was the convenience store down the block worth a trip at 7 (almost 8) in the morning?

"You know, just because you're hot, that doesn't give you a reason to be an ass."

Sasuke pointedly ignored that comment and kept drumming his fingers. Were they even fucking _open_ at 7 (almost 8) in the morning?

He opened his eyes to see Naruto had completely finished Sasuke's would-be breakfast. "Do you know where the Quick Mart is?"

"The one down the block?"

Sasuke decided that was answer enough and dug into his pockets, pulling out some bills and looking through them. He stepped close to Naruto and slapped one next to the empty bowl.

"Go buy me the breakfast you just ate."

Naruto goggled at the money. "Dude, do they have _change_ for that at a shitty convenience store? Wait, do most people keep this much money in their _pajamas_?"

Hunger was shortening his already short patience. He snapped, "It's all I have. Buy something to eat for yourself while you're at it for all I fucking care. Just go get me cereal and goddamn milk."

Naruto pocketed the money and stood. "You're just as rich as Sakura said, aren't you?"

Sasuke's eyes were suddenly glued to Naruto's apparel, which had gone unnoticed before. "Is that my shirt— Are those my—?"

Naruto glanced down at himself, as if he forgot what he was wearing. "Oh, yeah. I didn't have anything clean to wear, so Sakura gave me an old shirt of yours and a pair of your jeans. Your jeans fit fine but the shirt"—he yanked at it—"is a bit tight. You don't work out, do you?"

Sasuke stared. Sasuke stared because a stray mutt had wandered into his home, stolen his breakfast, and sullied his clothes and—

"Let me guess. You didn't have any clean boxers, either."

Naruto gave a cheeky grin and sidled off for the door.

Sasuke wondered how high his heart rate could sky rocket before he had a heart attack.

"Get the fuck out," he growled despite the fact that Naruto was already halfway out the door.

Sasuke locked it and stormed off to shower.

XXX

Twenty minutes later, showered, dressed, and groomed, he left his bedroom and found a certain blond lounging across his sofa in the living room, flicking through the TV stations.

"Huh," said blond began. "I didn't know there _were_ three hundred sports stations. I've only ever had basic."

Sasuke aggressively eyed his front door, which he was _sure_ he locked.

"How much does your cable bill cost, anyway?"

"How the fuck did you get in."

"Huh?" Naruto finally looked away from the TV. "Oh. Sakura gave me a key. She said you were likely to try to lock me out."

That bitch. He offered her kindness—even gave her his spare bedroom, which he'd had to clean of his storage clutter, which took him _hours_ of backbreaking labor to do—and this was how she repaid him.

"Where did you even get a flat screen this big? Do you even _need_ a flat screen this big? I think I can see every pore on this girl's face. I know this is a face wash commercial, but I don't think I need to see _into_ her pores to get how clean they are after she uses the shit."

Sasuke picked up the remote from where Naruto had laid it on the table and powered off the TV before putting it back and storming off to the kitchen.

"What the _fuck_ did you buy?" He eyed the bags like he thought they were rabid dogs in disguise.

"Cereal," Naruto called back.

"Who the fuck finishes a box of Fruity Pebbles and then replaces it with a different cereal?" he snarled, more to himself.

"I told you I like Cinnamon Toast Crunch," Naruto said by means of explanation.

"Why did you buy _four_ boxes?"

"Well, I mean. I'm probably going to be here at least a week."

Oh, fuck—

"No. No, you're not even going to be here for another hour. You need to go home."

"Can't," Naruto said lazily. "No electricity."

"Then take to the streets like the stray you are," Sasuke hissed.

Naruto popped his head into the kitchen. "You really are an ass, aren't you? Who kicks someone out to the streets?"

"Who doesn't ask for permission before crashing for a week?" Sasuke countered.

Naruto was unmoved. "You were asleep when we got here last night or I would've asked. And Sakura insisted that you'd be even more difficult to talk to if we woke you up than if we waited until the morning. If this is how you are in the morning, I dread to think what you would've been like if we _had_ woken you up."

Sasuke ignored him and checked the time. If he hurried, he might be able to grab breakfast on the go.

"I'm going to class." He brushed past Naruto to slip his shoes on. "When I get back, I expect you to be _gone_."

"Yeah, okay, sure," Naruto called, already back in the living room and flicking on the TV.

"I _mean_ it," he snarled.

"See ya when you get home!"

With one last glare over his shoulder, Sasuke left.

Sakura was going to regret this.

XXX

Sakura, apparently, regretted nothing.

"What did you expect me to do, Sasuke? He didn't even have running water." She fiddled with her notes, uncapping and recapping her highlighter as she read something.

Sasuke was not amused at her lack of remorse. "Give him directions to the nearest homeless shelter."

Sakura smacked his head and didn't flinch when he gave her a responding glower. "You didn't shove _me_ in a homeless shelter."

Yes, well, she dated a family member. And when someone dates a family member for three years, that person becomes pseudo-family by Uchiha family decree. His parents would've sniffed disdainfully (the equivalent of normal parents holding a ten minute screaming match with themselves as they lectured their child on manners and how family matters before smacking his head and making sure it left a lump the size of Russia) if they had found out that all he did when he heard she was newly-homeless was nod and bid her good luck in the dog-eat-dog world that was society amongst the rabies-infested hobos.

"I _should've_. Then I wouldn't be in this mess."

She smacked him again. "You know, with those glasses, every time you glare, it just reminds me of a PMS'ing librarian who's pissed at a bunch of high school students for flirting too loudly in the reference section. You're not scary, so stop it. He doesn't have anywhere else to go, and he's my best friend."

"I live in an apartment, not a boarding house," he peevishly reminded her.

"You live in a _mansion_. What do you even _need_ an apartment that big for when you barely leave your room anyway?"

He scowled. "I'm not a goldfish. You can't put me in a tin can and expect me to be happy with it because by the time I take two steps from my bed to the door I forgot that I have feet still, let alone a small home."

Sakura switched her yellow highlighter for a pink one to scribble at something. "That theory's been debunked. Goldfish memories are actually—"

He didn't care.

"I want him gone."

Sakura sighed. "Sasuke, it should only be a week."

"Five minutes in the same room with him is too long."

She peered up at him. "Is this because he ate your Fruity Pebbles?"

A small part of it might've been because of that.

"This is because I don't like living with a stranger. I was under the impression _you_ were only going to be staying for a week, and I was grudging at best when I offered you living accommodations. It's with resentment that I struggle through daily life with you in my home, and I _don't_ need another stray to add to the mix—"

"Or is this because he went out and replaced them with four boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?" she continued like he hadn't said a word.

Everything might've been because of that.

"I'll stop by the store and buy all the Fruity Pebbles on the shelves on the way home from work tonight," she promised him. "So what'd'ya say?"

Sasuke liked to believe that he wasn't so easy to win over, but the idea of several months' supply of Fruity Pebbles magically appearing in his cupboard without him having to step foot in the dingy Quick Mart or deal with the owner who spoke some kind of language that sounded very hissy and tried to do what Sasuke could only assume was flirt in said hissy language because he often took a sharpie and penned phone numbers all over Sasuke's groceries as he was trying to pay and considering it was the _same_ phone number over and over again and most certainly not that of the Quick Mart because the shithole didn't even _have_ a phone to need a phone number—

Sasuke might've been that easy to win over.

"He has exactly one week."

XXX

"—don't care _how_ many boxes of Fruity Pebbles you bribe me with. He leaves _tonight_. I'll pay for a motel for the night—I don't care, just to get him the _fuck_ out of—"

"Sasuke, breathe," Sakura interjected. "Rewind and tell me what's brought this on. I didn't get your Fruity Pebbles yet, so he couldn't have eaten them all again."

Sasuke eyed the mountain of what could _only_ be described as solidified toxic waste. It towered nearly to the ceiling in the dead middle of his living room. His coffee table was gone. _Gone_. He wasn't sure if it was under this _mess_ or if it'd been moved to make space, and he wasn't sure which of the two was the worse option.

There were dirty clothes mixed into that pile. They smelled so foul he at first thought he'd left a rotting corpse in his apartment before remembering it was only in his dreams that he gave in to his violent tendencies and hid the bodies under the floorboards where no one could find them. Upon closer inspection, he found that said dirty clothes were dingy and spotted with stains. He was sure this one piece of cloth (it was so dirty that it was beyond recognizable so he couldn't properly label it as shirt, shorts, or underwear) that was a dusky grey in most places, and sparkling white in tiny, uneven patches, had originally been bleach white and was nothing but a hapless victim in all of this.

It might not have been _as_ alarming if it was just clothing in this mountain. But peaking out from under a raggedy piece of clothing in one spot was what looked like a keyboard, and on the other side was what could only be a box fan. Over yonder were some wooden poles—long ones, too, by the looks of it, as they jutted a good three feet out of the pile like a pair of stiff antennae—and Sasuke could only _guess_ what those were for.

And here—well, here was what Sasuke could only _assume_ was a rice cooker, and—

Dear sweet mother—

—there was still rice left inside of it—

Oh God _no—_

—and it just fucking _growled_ —

Fucking _shit_ —

—and if Sasuke didn't call animal patrol soon—

Shitting _Christ—_

—it was going to _devour_ him.

"Sasuke?" Sakura's voice echoed on the line. "You still there?"

Sasuke stared. Sasuke stared because a stray mutt had wandered into his home, stolen his breakfast, sullied his clothes, and was trying to make his apartment into a garbage disposal. Or a slum. Maybe a slum. Sasuke honestly wasn't sure anymore.

"Saaasukeeeee?" Sakura called again.

He finally managed to convince himself that he could gawk and talk at the same time. "I want him out."

Sakura sighed and Sasuke just _knew_ he was about to get a lecture, and nope. No-dee-fucking-do. He was _not_ going to be made into a villain in all of this.

"I'll pay his fucking electricity bill," Sasuke snarled. "I'll pay _whatever_ the fuck I need to pay to get him the fuck out of here."

Sakura sighed. "Paying his electricity isn't going to fix anything, Sasuke. He's also behind on his water and rent—"

Just how unreliable could one person _be_?

"I'll pay those off, too," he snapped.

"—and not only that, but he's not the type to accept money from people—"

Just how fucking _idiotic_ could one unreliable person be?

"You can tell him he won a raffle or lottery or something," Sasuke snarled.

"—and anyway, paying off his bills won't help him in the long run. He needs to figure things out for himself and get to the point where he's able to support himself."

Sasuke scowled, glaring pointedly at a box of cereal that he just noticed in the pile of junk. It was torn open and the contents—of fucking _course_ it was Cinnamon Toast Crunch—were spilled all over parts of the pile, as well as scattered across his floor.

"He can stay _three_ days."

"You said a week," Sakura said in her no-nonsense voice.

" _Four_ days," Sasuke generously bartered. "And no more."

"A _week_ ," Sakura snapped back, "was what I told him."

"Fine, _five_. Five days."

"Sasuke, I swear to—"

She cut herself off and Sasuke heard someone—a man, if the gruff voice was anything to go by—yell at her in what he thought might be Spanish. Sakura responded, though what she said or in what tone was lost on Sasuke since she sounded seven shades of muffled and Sasuke could only guess she covered the mouth piece of the phone.

"Shit," Sakura said after a moment. "My boss is getting pissed at me. Look, I'll get your stupid Fruity Pebbles on my way home like I promised. Just let Naruto stay a week—"

"Six days at the _most_ ," Sasuke interjected darkly.

"Just let Naruto stay a _week_ ," Sakura continued in a deathly cold voice, "and if he hasn't figured something out by then, I'll figure something else out for him."

Sasuke was above pouting. Sasuke was above pouting. Sasuke was above—

"A week, then," he agreed sullenly.

He hung up and retrieved a spare bed sheet from the closet to cover the mountain of junk in his living room. He may have had to live with Naruto and his disgusting habits, but he was not looking them in the eye every day.

Sasuke washed his hands very thoroughly afterwards even though he didn't actually touch anything in the pile of God-knows-what. He patted his hands dry on a dish towel and leaned against the counter, staring at the opposite side of the room. On the counter opposite him was still the four boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, yet to be opened or put away.

Sasuke stared at them long and hard before asking them, "This is going to be the biggest mistake of my life, isn't it?"

XXX

 **A/N:** I'm just going to casually drop this story off and pretend like I haven't been on an unexplained hiatus for several years and I act like I've _totally_ written fanfiction in the past four or so years. Because I have. Yeah. Totally.

But seriously. I'm suffering from major writer's block and really struggling with my writing right now, so I decided to write something that required no thought and was just me writing whatever came to me. This was the result. Like I said, I'm really struggling right now, so any and all comments and critiques are appreciated.


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